In-Law Relations

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In the families there are rules that the members have imposed, these are not necessarily consensual or spoken rules, they are implicit rules, rules that are not verbal, but all the members comply with them, from ways of behaving, ways of understanding life, relating, economic areas such as the use of money, debt and consumption, in my family I have seen a saving environment, put each currency in a bank, limit spending such as not eating out in restaurants, not buying very luxurious things, limit going to cinema, buy in cheap food markets, avoid debt as possible, not lend money, only in case of emergency, are rules that have been imposed from the example of my mother as well as stories, stories and comments on different issues , that one as a child was assimilating and putting into practice in his life. Another one of the rules that have been imposed in my home I can summarize just like President Benson said: It allows us to learn and be instructed to correct our mistakes (see D & C 1: 25-26), and that we regret and let us seek restitution to correct sin (see D & C 1: 27-28).

Here are some recommendations on how we can put into practice these principles that have been learned at home:

• Pray in all moments
• Be patient and recognize that family members need time to build resilience since mistakes and failures are opportunities to learn.
• Allow natural and logical consequences to be those that impart discipline.
• Respect the decisions of family members, even when their bad decisions lead them to lose privileges and refrain from recriminating their children for breaking the rules.
• Do not be the cause for them to stop trying because they criticize them severely.
• Instead of praising them for an achievement, encourage and praise the effort made.
• "Praise your children more than they correct them. Praise them for even their smallest achievements "(see President Ezra Taft Benson, 1899-1994," The honorable place of women, "Liahona, April 1982, 76)

These are principles that I have learned in my family when it comes to the upbringing of children, although I have not yet married is what I hope to achieve in my marriage, so it is important to know the rules that exist in couples because they do not indicate which is the most important thing for them, that will avoid many of the fights that could happen. The family extends in marriage, the parents of the husband and the parents of the wife come together to form a relationship, each of them with their realities, customs and rules, must reach a point in balance between the relationship of the two families, it is important to fortify a healthy and friendly relationship, but it is also necessary to generate a family between the spouses with their own customs and rules, establishing a relationship is difficult because it takes time, effort and dedication, but if they want to maintain a healthy and calm environment it is It is necessary to avoid the triangulation that is created when the communication builds a stronger relationship with the father than with the spouse, or excludes the spouse, and must have regular contact and communication with the in-laws also sends messages that couples value their relationship with they. Frequency of contact and communication that does not interfere with each other. being the first in marriage are important steps in establishing relationships with in-laws (James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen, creating healthy ties with in-laws and extended families)

Power Relations

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One of the marital problems that is repeated regardless of the country is the inequality of power between spouses, even up to the relationship of father with children, it must find a conjugal harmony, this is achieved when the couple, living with a love relationship together with actions that reflect it, especially in that the man, that culturally speaking has been he who has always taken the power to make decisions, he must give power to his wife, not to rule only her, but to exist a balanced relationship, as Richard Miller shares "Thus, research constantly finds that happy relationships are more likely to occur in marriages where the couple shares power and has a true partnership."

Now, for the relationship to be stable, it is absolutely necessary that the two persons be such, that is, human persons; and the maturity of the person is achieved through education, the predominance of moral and spiritual values ​​over material, intellectual and, even, cultural.

Moreover, the touchstone of a person's maturity is the ability to seek the good of the other person over personal interests. It can only be called mature (a) who has overcome self-love, caprice and self-sufficiency, to live in function and at the service of the other person. This is true love, a sign of maturity and a guarantee of conjugal stability. These spiritual values ​​must be accompanied by the Holy Ghost which are "the powers of heaven, and that the powers of heaven can not be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness ... persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, love unfeigned, kindness , and pure knowledge, which will greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile "(D & C 121: 36, 41-42).

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How to cultivate these values ​​in the relationship? When I served on a mission in Lima-Peru, the only way we could have an equal and effective relationship to achieve our goals was to work together through councils, important moments to discuss our achievements, goals and problems, plan the plan to meet to solve the problems and meet our goals, we expressed what we individually learned from our study of the scriptures, we asked for advice and we listened to some criticism, not in order to start a fight, but to avoid future fights, we did not humble ourselves to understand the other and prevent pride from blinding us and finding better ways to solve it. In families it is more important to carry out councils where the couple can dialogue, understand and share their goals, achievements and problems, in a healthy environment, where one partner does not have the power over another, but in an equitable environment, talking about solutions more than problems, cultivate those powers of heaven in our relationship.

Fidelity and Physical Intimacy

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When Jesus Christ was speaking to his disciples he said: Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit aadultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever alooketh on a bwoman to clust after her hath committed dadultery with her already in his heart. (Matthew 5:27-28)

What does this imply in our marriage? Fidelity goes beyond a physical or sexual contact with another person, it is also in the thoughts, in the emotion, all this begins with small activities with other people that we consider innocent, we try to justify them without considering our partner, without considering the agreements what we do when we get married. These activities can be motivated by marriage problems, for example if your partner does not offer time to listen, lack of outside activities, little interest in the things or dreams of a couple, and can find another person who superficially can satisfy these needs, so we should not focus on the negative things of our partner, but their strengths, spend time to get to know each other continuously, be honestly concerned, active listening, activities that are both alone and quality communication.

One of the important things in marriage is sexuality, a unit that can nurture the relationship and satisfaction, but this point is usually the least touched either in the family or education and that helps generate false precepts or definitions , and young people are exposed to pornographic materials on the internet, something that can generate completely wrong ideas about sexuality and its role in marriage, as President Kimball has observed: "The Bible celebrates sex and its proper use, presenting it as God -created, God-ordained, God-blessed. It makes plain that God himself implanted the physical magnetism between the sexes for two reasons: for the propagation of the human race, and for the expression of that kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness. His commandment to the first man and woman to be 'one flesh' was as important as his command to 'be fruitful and multiply.' "(Quoting Billy Graham, Ensign, May 1974, p.7) see it from the individual point, only pleasure or as a negotiation mechanism are erroneous thoughts about sexuality in marriage; the procreation of children is an integral and beautiful aspect of conjugal intimacy, to use it only for that purpose is to deny its great potential as an expression of love, commitment and unity, according to Brent A. Barlow

Seeking to Understand

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Many times we talk about freedom focusing on it as the option to choose, but freedom has more depth and is being responsible and co-responsible for the choices that we decide, not only as an individual, but as a family, the choice of a couple under the agreement of the marriage, is the choice of a particular set of problems, defects and mistakes, is this bad? It would be easy to point out that yes, then we would conclude that marriage is very expensive and it would be better not to choose it, but the reality is deeper than a simple exercise in logic. Why are problems in marriage? We want the marriage to be the "they lived happily ever after", but in reality it is to enter a school where our subject will be ourselves, discover our weaknesses, discover the weaknesses of our partner and make a decision, I approach the problem from the critic , negativity or from charity, and this is the point of the post.

What is charity? This is defined as the pure love of Christ, as explained in his book Goddard "could have a meaning in three dimensions: love for Christ, love from Christ, and love as Christ. Charity is, above all, the redemptive love that Jesus offers us all. It is the love of Christ. He is the model of charity, which never fails "How to apply it to our marriage? Well, charity invites us to love, to have faith, to act and to have hope, invites us to when we have a problem with our partner we recognize our weakness, the failures of the two and instead of responding with criticism, judging, pointing with the finger, respond with charity, patience, repentance, love and understanding. The critique according to Gottman: "All criticism is painful. Unlike complaints, specific requests for change, criticism does not improve marriage. Inevitably it gets worse. "And this comes from two sources: the first of an emotionally insensitive couple and the other source comes from oneself, to achieve change a change of heart is necessary, a change that can initially cost the couple, but necessary undertake this trip, and like any trip it is necessary to have a goal and knowledge of which road to take, this leads us to have a goal as a family, to have clear concepts and to know each other between the couple, and it is necessary to have patterns where they can express in a Clear and sincere as an expression of love as a hug, a kiss, a question about the day, problems or dreams, establish an active listening, a time together, the best way to overcome problems is to talk about the problems in your relationship when they are still minor, and they do not accumulate and impoverish the relationship, you must detect these small problems in time.

Think about how the following scripture applies to marriage.

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. (Eter: 12: 27).

We are free to choose how we are going to respond to a difficulty, with pride and criticism or with charity

Managing Conflict

According to Gottman, there are two types of problems in a couple: those that can be solved and "perpetual" problems, which are not. To distinguish them, the criterion is relatively simple: those solvable are less painful, intense or heartbreaking than "perpetual" problems. If a problem is solvable or perpetual, what is the underlying key to successfully addressing the conflict? It is easy to get carried away by our feelings and let them bloom, usually they are negative to our partner, we think that our action is justified with the meaning of our words, but we do not measure what our words can mean for our partner, the use of words is very important, like "you never do this", "you always do this", they are hurtful words, accusing and inviting more negativity, the key is not only to understand your partner, but to make your partner understand that you you understand and accept their perspective and personality, when they manifest the problem, but without blaming. Begin your sentences by saying "I", instead of "You". Describe what happens, without evaluating or judging. Be clear, educated and appreciate the other. Do not keep things so that understanding is fluid and reciprocal. We have to understand that even though we are not the ones who initiate a negative and accusatory conversation, it is necessary to be able to conduct our conversation and deliver and receive "attempts to repair", that is, any action or word that diminishes the tension created.

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Be tolerant of the other's mistakes. The commitment is impossible if the other's imperfections are not accepted, and the "Yes only ..." ("If only my partner did this ..." "If only my partner were like this ...", etc.) this commitment has to go further, to be willing to minister to our confused spouse, to be willing to love a fellow who fails us, and as H. Wallace Goddard tells us in his book Drawing Your Marriage in Your Marriage: "We enter marriage expecting our needs to be met, we even decide how they should be met, then, when our partners are unable to meet all of our needs, we become resentful, our distance and resentment are ways. But the message is clear: "You are not a very good spouse. You are a disappointment. Until you make some major changes, I can not really love and appreciate you. "" Being with a partner involves being with your problems, your dreams, aspirations and imperfect, but remember, your partner also has to accept your problems, your dreams, aspirations and imperfections, so we have to put aside our pride, our high expectations and land, see our partner as it is and the hardest thing to see you as you are. Only then can we make our agreement and consecrate ourselves to this sacred covenant, which implies putting aside our pride, offering our partner our time, talent, strength, property, sacrificing worldly things in pursuit of our relationship that is built in an eternal relationship one brick at a time and these bricks are "... by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness, and pure knowledge, which will greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile "(D & C 121: 41-42).

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Beware of Pride

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I remember some words that Siddhartha Gautama said that "if we assume an attitude of humility, our qualities will grow, while if we are proud we will be prey to jealousy and anger; and we will see others with contempt, so the only thing that we will achieve is that unhappiness reigns "then we need to ask ourselves in our subject about marriage, how can humility in marriage help me? Humility is the recognition that, although our needs are important, so are the needs of others; it is the provision to admit that we do not fully understand the truth; is to open ourselves to the opinions of others; Humility is the willingness to admit that we have made mistakes. It allows us to continue learning and growing.

 If we strive to be humble of heart, then our life experience will change, we can self-evaluate: it is common to be able to observe the faults in other people, be critical of them and know the solution (we can think, why not this or that to solve your problem do?) It is easy to see the mistakes in others, but it is not in ourselves, we tend to be overwhelmed in our problems, we are blind to pride, humility offers us that door to be able to observe our faults and find a solution to our problems. If you think about it, many of the discussions as a couple have an origin in pride, when we find a criticism of our person, instead of evaluating the argument and thinking that maybe it is valid or not, we usually put ourselves in a position of defense and we argue, and we continually try to validate our position, even if it is wrong, but if we were humble we would recognize our faults, we could open ourselves to the experience of our partner.

Selfishness, individualization, jealousy and anger come from pride, Irving Becker observed: "If someone does not like you, the way you hold the spoon will infuriate you; if you like it, you can spill a whole plate on your lap and you will not care. "Sometimes, we do not even notice that we are choosing between feeling angry or calm. Sometimes, we do not recognize that our hearts are hard on some people and soft on others. Although sometimes we try to handle conflicts by avoiding them, arguing them to the point of exhaustion, or living painfully with them, there is a better way. We can address the conflict with our renewed hearts. Instead of resenting the irritation when it occurs, we can choose to see it as an invitation to activate our hearts. We can learn to appreciate music in the lives of others.

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Pride, according to Gottman's research, can also be reflected in the influence of one partner on the other, usually the power relationship between husbands and wives, "Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct. Obviously, it takes two to make or break a marriage, so we're not singling out men here. "This can also be understood in President Benson's words" Another face of pride is contention. Arguments, fights, unrighteous dominion, generation gaps, divorces, spouse abuse, riots, and disturbances all fall into this category of pride. Contention in our families drives the Spirit of the Lord away. It also drives many of our family members away. "When we are humble enough to hear another's vision, compassionate enough to want to understand and help, and positive enough to observe the good of the other, our hearts change. We prepare ourselves to have rich and full relationships with all kinds of people.

Staying Emotionally Connected

I remember when I was in school, we had finished classes and all my classmates went on vacation, in my family it is not customary to travel or do large activities so during my vacation I was at home, playing, watching movies, reading; When I returned to school, my teacher asked us each of us to talk about our vacations, a traveling companion to another city to visit, another outside the country, others went to camp, and when it was my turn I had to say with simplicity that I had read books and played, I felt bad, since I was the only one who had not done any big activity, so I was not happy as my companions who had great adventures. In the recess inquiring with my companions about their adventures, it turned out that most had been bored in their activities, I thought that then I had the best vacation because if I had fun, I had been happy, a happiness that could be overshadowed by appearances.

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 Do not think that nothing happens, simply because you do not see your growth ... big things grow in silence, and in family life something similar can happen, we expect great romantic moments that embellish our relationship, epic kisses and motivating phrases, surely accompanied by a background music, although not impossible most of the big scenes like these happen in the movies and we measure those moments with ours, and we long for scenes or characters of such magnitudes, considering ours as routine or even boring, without appreciating the small moments that we passed as a couple, as it says in D & C. 64:33 "Wherefore, be not a woman in bwell-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work And out of csmall things proceedeth that which is great."

Life is definitely what you make of it and sadly, I think you would be hard pressed, in this day and age to find many who were content with their vacation time, whether traveling or not.  You are absolutely right, "by small and simple things are great things brought to pass" (Alma 37:6). What little things? Well, things like paying attention to our partner, a question about their day, sharing a tedious task, a hobby, etc., I have not even continued with the negativity that your partner could say, many times a couple goes to their partner. rude way, because he had a bad day or because he is upset, it will depend on how we respond to what caused the fight or a dialogue, it is difficult to be patient and loving when your partner is criticizing you, When we feel irritated with each other, it is an opportunity to grow. Irritation is an invitation to think and act better. It is about replacing irritation with compassion and charity; replacing the accusation with humility; replacing frustration with the invitation. As Elder Jeffrey R. Holland observed, "Too often too many of us run from the very things that will bless us and save us and soothe us. Too often we see gospel commitments and commands as something to be feared and forsaken. "

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Small acts can put out a fire, appease a beast with gentle movements to gain their confidence and confirm that we are on their side (only as a demonstrative example, not that our partner is comparable to a wild animal). We need to stay connected emotionally, the way it is done with small actions, not with great activities and pompous romantic scenes, a sincere interest, a simple demonstration of love can have more long-term effect, like my vacations, were simple actions, but the knowledge that wins to read this with me despite the years, a vacation can relieve stress, and have good memories, but the bad memory is easy to forget and distort, my point is that we build a building of love, and every brick counts.

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