According to Gottman, there are two types of problems in a couple: those that can be solved and "perpetual" problems, which are not. To distinguish them, the criterion is relatively simple: those solvable are less painful, intense or heartbreaking than "perpetual" problems. If a problem is solvable or perpetual, what is the underlying key to successfully addressing the conflict? It is easy to get carried away by our feelings and let them bloom, usually they are negative to our partner, we think that our action is justified with the meaning of our words, but we do not measure what our words can mean for our partner, the use of words is very important, like "you never do this", "you always do this", they are hurtful words, accusing and inviting more negativity, the key is not only to understand your partner, but to make your partner understand that you you understand and accept their perspective and personality, when they manifest the problem, but without blaming. Begin your sentences by saying "I", instead of "You". Describe what happens, without evaluating or judging. Be clear, educated and appreciate the other. Do not keep things so that understanding is fluid and reciprocal. We have to understand that even though we are not the ones who initiate a negative and accusatory conversation, it is necessary to be able to conduct our conversation and deliver and receive "attempts to repair", that is, any action or word that diminishes the tension created.
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Be tolerant of the other's mistakes. The commitment is impossible if the other's imperfections are not accepted, and the "Yes only ..." ("If only my partner did this ..." "If only my partner were like this ...", etc.) this commitment has to go further, to be willing to minister to our confused spouse, to be willing to love a fellow who fails us, and as H. Wallace Goddard tells us in his book Drawing Your Marriage in Your Marriage: "We enter marriage expecting our needs to be met, we even decide how they should be met, then, when our partners are unable to meet all of our needs, we become resentful, our distance and resentment are ways. But the message is clear: "You are not a very good spouse. You are a disappointment. Until you make some major changes, I can not really love and appreciate you. "" Being with a partner involves being with your problems, your dreams, aspirations and imperfect, but remember, your partner also has to accept your problems, your dreams, aspirations and imperfections, so we have to put aside our pride, our high expectations and land, see our partner as it is and the hardest thing to see you as you are. Only then can we make our agreement and consecrate ourselves to this sacred covenant, which implies putting aside our pride, offering our partner our time, talent, strength, property, sacrificing worldly things in pursuit of our relationship that is built in an eternal relationship one brick at a time and these bricks are "... by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness, and pure knowledge, which will greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile "(D & C 121: 41-42).
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