Seeking to Understand

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Many times we talk about freedom focusing on it as the option to choose, but freedom has more depth and is being responsible and co-responsible for the choices that we decide, not only as an individual, but as a family, the choice of a couple under the agreement of the marriage, is the choice of a particular set of problems, defects and mistakes, is this bad? It would be easy to point out that yes, then we would conclude that marriage is very expensive and it would be better not to choose it, but the reality is deeper than a simple exercise in logic. Why are problems in marriage? We want the marriage to be the "they lived happily ever after", but in reality it is to enter a school where our subject will be ourselves, discover our weaknesses, discover the weaknesses of our partner and make a decision, I approach the problem from the critic , negativity or from charity, and this is the point of the post.

What is charity? This is defined as the pure love of Christ, as explained in his book Goddard "could have a meaning in three dimensions: love for Christ, love from Christ, and love as Christ. Charity is, above all, the redemptive love that Jesus offers us all. It is the love of Christ. He is the model of charity, which never fails "How to apply it to our marriage? Well, charity invites us to love, to have faith, to act and to have hope, invites us to when we have a problem with our partner we recognize our weakness, the failures of the two and instead of responding with criticism, judging, pointing with the finger, respond with charity, patience, repentance, love and understanding. The critique according to Gottman: "All criticism is painful. Unlike complaints, specific requests for change, criticism does not improve marriage. Inevitably it gets worse. "And this comes from two sources: the first of an emotionally insensitive couple and the other source comes from oneself, to achieve change a change of heart is necessary, a change that can initially cost the couple, but necessary undertake this trip, and like any trip it is necessary to have a goal and knowledge of which road to take, this leads us to have a goal as a family, to have clear concepts and to know each other between the couple, and it is necessary to have patterns where they can express in a Clear and sincere as an expression of love as a hug, a kiss, a question about the day, problems or dreams, establish an active listening, a time together, the best way to overcome problems is to talk about the problems in your relationship when they are still minor, and they do not accumulate and impoverish the relationship, you must detect these small problems in time.

Think about how the following scripture applies to marriage.

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. (Eter: 12: 27).

We are free to choose how we are going to respond to a difficulty, with pride and criticism or with charity

Managing Conflict

According to Gottman, there are two types of problems in a couple: those that can be solved and "perpetual" problems, which are not. To distinguish them, the criterion is relatively simple: those solvable are less painful, intense or heartbreaking than "perpetual" problems. If a problem is solvable or perpetual, what is the underlying key to successfully addressing the conflict? It is easy to get carried away by our feelings and let them bloom, usually they are negative to our partner, we think that our action is justified with the meaning of our words, but we do not measure what our words can mean for our partner, the use of words is very important, like "you never do this", "you always do this", they are hurtful words, accusing and inviting more negativity, the key is not only to understand your partner, but to make your partner understand that you you understand and accept their perspective and personality, when they manifest the problem, but without blaming. Begin your sentences by saying "I", instead of "You". Describe what happens, without evaluating or judging. Be clear, educated and appreciate the other. Do not keep things so that understanding is fluid and reciprocal. We have to understand that even though we are not the ones who initiate a negative and accusatory conversation, it is necessary to be able to conduct our conversation and deliver and receive "attempts to repair", that is, any action or word that diminishes the tension created.

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Be tolerant of the other's mistakes. The commitment is impossible if the other's imperfections are not accepted, and the "Yes only ..." ("If only my partner did this ..." "If only my partner were like this ...", etc.) this commitment has to go further, to be willing to minister to our confused spouse, to be willing to love a fellow who fails us, and as H. Wallace Goddard tells us in his book Drawing Your Marriage in Your Marriage: "We enter marriage expecting our needs to be met, we even decide how they should be met, then, when our partners are unable to meet all of our needs, we become resentful, our distance and resentment are ways. But the message is clear: "You are not a very good spouse. You are a disappointment. Until you make some major changes, I can not really love and appreciate you. "" Being with a partner involves being with your problems, your dreams, aspirations and imperfect, but remember, your partner also has to accept your problems, your dreams, aspirations and imperfections, so we have to put aside our pride, our high expectations and land, see our partner as it is and the hardest thing to see you as you are. Only then can we make our agreement and consecrate ourselves to this sacred covenant, which implies putting aside our pride, offering our partner our time, talent, strength, property, sacrificing worldly things in pursuit of our relationship that is built in an eternal relationship one brick at a time and these bricks are "... by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness, and pure knowledge, which will greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile "(D & C 121: 41-42).

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Beware of Pride

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I remember some words that Siddhartha Gautama said that "if we assume an attitude of humility, our qualities will grow, while if we are proud we will be prey to jealousy and anger; and we will see others with contempt, so the only thing that we will achieve is that unhappiness reigns "then we need to ask ourselves in our subject about marriage, how can humility in marriage help me? Humility is the recognition that, although our needs are important, so are the needs of others; it is the provision to admit that we do not fully understand the truth; is to open ourselves to the opinions of others; Humility is the willingness to admit that we have made mistakes. It allows us to continue learning and growing.

 If we strive to be humble of heart, then our life experience will change, we can self-evaluate: it is common to be able to observe the faults in other people, be critical of them and know the solution (we can think, why not this or that to solve your problem do?) It is easy to see the mistakes in others, but it is not in ourselves, we tend to be overwhelmed in our problems, we are blind to pride, humility offers us that door to be able to observe our faults and find a solution to our problems. If you think about it, many of the discussions as a couple have an origin in pride, when we find a criticism of our person, instead of evaluating the argument and thinking that maybe it is valid or not, we usually put ourselves in a position of defense and we argue, and we continually try to validate our position, even if it is wrong, but if we were humble we would recognize our faults, we could open ourselves to the experience of our partner.

Selfishness, individualization, jealousy and anger come from pride, Irving Becker observed: "If someone does not like you, the way you hold the spoon will infuriate you; if you like it, you can spill a whole plate on your lap and you will not care. "Sometimes, we do not even notice that we are choosing between feeling angry or calm. Sometimes, we do not recognize that our hearts are hard on some people and soft on others. Although sometimes we try to handle conflicts by avoiding them, arguing them to the point of exhaustion, or living painfully with them, there is a better way. We can address the conflict with our renewed hearts. Instead of resenting the irritation when it occurs, we can choose to see it as an invitation to activate our hearts. We can learn to appreciate music in the lives of others.

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Pride, according to Gottman's research, can also be reflected in the influence of one partner on the other, usually the power relationship between husbands and wives, "Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct. Obviously, it takes two to make or break a marriage, so we're not singling out men here. "This can also be understood in President Benson's words" Another face of pride is contention. Arguments, fights, unrighteous dominion, generation gaps, divorces, spouse abuse, riots, and disturbances all fall into this category of pride. Contention in our families drives the Spirit of the Lord away. It also drives many of our family members away. "When we are humble enough to hear another's vision, compassionate enough to want to understand and help, and positive enough to observe the good of the other, our hearts change. We prepare ourselves to have rich and full relationships with all kinds of people.

Staying Emotionally Connected

I remember when I was in school, we had finished classes and all my classmates went on vacation, in my family it is not customary to travel or do large activities so during my vacation I was at home, playing, watching movies, reading; When I returned to school, my teacher asked us each of us to talk about our vacations, a traveling companion to another city to visit, another outside the country, others went to camp, and when it was my turn I had to say with simplicity that I had read books and played, I felt bad, since I was the only one who had not done any big activity, so I was not happy as my companions who had great adventures. In the recess inquiring with my companions about their adventures, it turned out that most had been bored in their activities, I thought that then I had the best vacation because if I had fun, I had been happy, a happiness that could be overshadowed by appearances.

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 Do not think that nothing happens, simply because you do not see your growth ... big things grow in silence, and in family life something similar can happen, we expect great romantic moments that embellish our relationship, epic kisses and motivating phrases, surely accompanied by a background music, although not impossible most of the big scenes like these happen in the movies and we measure those moments with ours, and we long for scenes or characters of such magnitudes, considering ours as routine or even boring, without appreciating the small moments that we passed as a couple, as it says in D & C. 64:33 "Wherefore, be not a woman in bwell-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work And out of csmall things proceedeth that which is great."

Life is definitely what you make of it and sadly, I think you would be hard pressed, in this day and age to find many who were content with their vacation time, whether traveling or not.  You are absolutely right, "by small and simple things are great things brought to pass" (Alma 37:6). What little things? Well, things like paying attention to our partner, a question about their day, sharing a tedious task, a hobby, etc., I have not even continued with the negativity that your partner could say, many times a couple goes to their partner. rude way, because he had a bad day or because he is upset, it will depend on how we respond to what caused the fight or a dialogue, it is difficult to be patient and loving when your partner is criticizing you, When we feel irritated with each other, it is an opportunity to grow. Irritation is an invitation to think and act better. It is about replacing irritation with compassion and charity; replacing the accusation with humility; replacing frustration with the invitation. As Elder Jeffrey R. Holland observed, "Too often too many of us run from the very things that will bless us and save us and soothe us. Too often we see gospel commitments and commands as something to be feared and forsaken. "

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Small acts can put out a fire, appease a beast with gentle movements to gain their confidence and confirm that we are on their side (only as a demonstrative example, not that our partner is comparable to a wild animal). We need to stay connected emotionally, the way it is done with small actions, not with great activities and pompous romantic scenes, a sincere interest, a simple demonstration of love can have more long-term effect, like my vacations, were simple actions, but the knowledge that wins to read this with me despite the years, a vacation can relieve stress, and have good memories, but the bad memory is easy to forget and distort, my point is that we build a building of love, and every brick counts.

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Cherishing Your Spouse

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A phrase used by Buddhists comes to mind: "Everything we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with cunning, pain follows. If he does it with a pure thought, happiness follows him like a shadow that never leaves him. "And this can be complicated when we are talking about marriage, where there are two minds with a configuration, different thoughts that want to spend time together, decide, plan and suffer together now I understand why there are many problems in marriage, you must find a harmony between these two minds, synchronize the same objectives, definition and act, of course that does not mean the disappearance of individuals, but if you build work in This cooperation requires something so essential that it is sacrifice, something so old since the time of Adam and Eve where being the first human beings had to obey the laws of the Gospel without anyone else around them, so human history began with obedience and sacrifice, this can be comparable to our life as a couple, since both are about to embark on a life project, exploring The marital history depends on our willingness to apply the same principles of obedience and sacrifice. The application of these principles to marriage requires inspiration. But what inspiration? In the Bible in Galatians 5: 22-26 it says: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts. We live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Let us not be desirous of vain glory, provoking one another, envying one another. "

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Marriage requires us to do more than tolerate the inferior side of each one's qualities, since to tolerate means to support, admit or allow something that does not like or is not approved at all, so we must go one step further. , you should get to know your partner, sounds simple right?, but the evidence that Dr. Gottman found that couples have difficulty maintaining a relationship of continuous discovery, and increasingly immersed in routine and monotony, that two completely unknown people end up, emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other's world. I call this a very detailed love map, what is the advantage of knowing each other continuously, having a very detailed love map? These love maps protected their marriages in the wake of this dramatic upheaval. Because husband and wife were already in the habit of keeping up to date and were intensely aware of what the other was feeling and thinking, they were not thrown off course (Gottman, J. 1999), despite the problems, which will always be present , the couples that have built this love map will be able to overcome the storms, because they will be able to act as a team and not as two individuals who will be lucky to see how they are doing in life. This map of love requires time, regardless of the amount of time since the important thing is quality, to be able to know each other, exchange words of love and for that we need to have a mind in peace, a mind in peace, so that our actions bring happiness , and in marriage there must be two minds in peace, how to do it? Through the love map.

References

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books. 

Building a relationship

Protect your family

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Many times we believe that happy marriage, is one that has no conflicts, the number of peels is minimal, but we would be ignoring a great reality, human coexistence is complicated. Peels between marriage are common, but how to prevent conflicts from destroying my marriage? In this post I want to address what Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington, explains in his book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work that to handle conflict in a healthier way is construction in the strongest marriages, the husband and The wife shares a deep sense of meaning. Not only do they "get along", but they also rely on the hopes and aspirations of others and build a sense of purpose in their lives together, and this has deeper benefits than we think, not only build a strong relationship and healthier, but also has an effect on our health, on children and on our self-esteem.

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Building a relationship is more than simply feeling in love or knowing the other's routine, it's that your happiness depends on your partner's feelings. They are in tune with the emotions of others, share a permanent empathy and have a high degree of confidence, what could help us to strengthen this confidence? From my point of view and conclusion of the readings, it is first to understand what is the concept of marriage of each member, because it is not enough the result that can offer google or the dictionary, but the very definition of marriage has nailed the feelings of each, the objectives of each couple, to be clear about what my objective is, and what is the objective of my partner, you can elaborate what are the objectives of the marriage, this offers a clearer and wider vision about each person. According to Kyle Benson, in analyzing Dr. Gottman's work, "the difference between happy and unhappy couples is the balance between positive and negative interactions during conflict. There is a very specific proportion that makes love last. "And this is the most important thing, love is what will last the trust and the relationship.

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As we saw in the previous post, one of the difficulties in marriage is the second wolf that are the own imperfections, this comes to be selfishness, pride, anger, rancor, negativity itself, then how can we free from these emotions that are so deep in us? In the book of Mormon in Mosiah 3:19 it says: "For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit , and putteth off the natural man and becometh to saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict Upon him, even as a child submit to his father. "All these attributes are necessary to cultivate a good fulfillment, and to grow as people, we can bring a spirit of reconciliation and kindness. When we insult the dignity of the family members, we create a system of Grudge and resentment. We lose whatever influence we might have had. (PhD H. Wallace Goddard, 2009). To cultivate these feelings we must connect spiritually, be humble to find the guidance of the Lord Jesus Christ, second we must see our partner as a person, not as an object or a title, but recognize their humanity, third recognize our own problems and be aware of our acting and fourth acting as a team, as good friends.

References:

Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing

The family: contract or convenant

The family: contract or convenant

The reasons why people decide to get married have varied over the years, allowing themselves to be carried away by customs, traditions, fashions, but has there been a reason to get married from the beginning? The reasons will mainly be based on the definition of marriage, if it is by contract or if it is by covenant. The first is a simple legal union between two people, the second is a sacred agreement between the couple. The family is a fundamental unit in any nation, it is a sociological institution, but the most important thing is an agreement that goes beyond time, including our deaths. How can we establish an eternal family? Only through the gospel of Jesus Christ and his covenants can the family be eternal.

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Bruce C. Hafen shared these insights:

Bruce C. Hafen

Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will. Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth … because he … careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said, “I am the good shepherd, and I lay down my life for the sheep.” (John 10:12-15). This concept of the eternal family can have a great impact on our lives, on our thoughts and actions, changes the way we think and see others, the decision to get married leads us to hope and prepare for eternal marriage, as a of the fears that appear when we think about making this decision, is the problems of marriage, fear of divorce, failure, even when the concept of family has changed in the media, we are told that the divorce rate is increasing , that causes us fear, but if we change our thoughts and see marriage as our covenant "... individual learning, our teaching and our testimony both at home and in the church will be magnified as we reflect and understand this truth better." (Elder Bruce C. Hafen, 1996).

To achieve this vision we need to understand what are the real risks in marriage, knowing about them can help us face them, recognize them in time, for Elder Bruce C. Hafen encouraged all families to be able to elevate each other in the face of adversity , affirming that there are 3 great wolves that are lurking in the married life, first wolf is the natural adversity, that although this adversity could come in any circumstances, the difference is that if we have a marriage that is built on collaboration, communication and love, these problems are easier to overcome; the second wolf are the own imperfections, no human being is perfect, then do not expect your partner to be, even more, do not consider yourself perfect, there is no other attribute that demonstrates the strength of a person than humility.

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And the third wolf is the excess of individualism, in our time every aspect of social life is pointing to individualism, from the economy that seeks through consumerism to implement this idea of ​​individualization, in education that teach children to watch over your things, your interests and do not teach basic principles of solidarity and cooperation, although social life inculcates these principles is still your responsibility your actions, you must understand that marriage is a mutual agreement, you must understand that bond of cooperation you have with your couple, you should not see it as an object, remembering a phrase of Mahatma Gandhi "Take care of your thoughts, because they will become your words. Manage your words, because they will become your acts. Direct your actions, because they will become your habits. Take care of your habits, because they will become your destiny. "

We must consider what is my concept of family? As we see the family, in the same way we will act with it.

Reference

Hafen, Bruce C. (Noviembre 1996). Covenant Marriage. Ensign, Nov 1996, 26

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